Fez Go Get Your Gun
by WholeMilk
Summary: Fez stumbles onto a potential murder and walks away with a key bit of evidence - and maybe more.
1. Chapter 1

Hyde stood at the threshold of his new room. Dark, cramped, somehow both dusty and dank. It was his kind of hideout. And it _was_ his. Well, not literally — nor in any other sense, save that he was the only one who lived in there — but it was his. His own little corner of the basement. Heating conduit reached out from the furnace in large, round, diagonals, creating a sort-of forest of metal tree limbs. There were shadows in here, spiders, maybe even an errant mouse or two. But no one else.

Ever since the Forman's had taken him in, Steven had felt like a bigger burden than he ever had before, and he had _always_ been made to feel like a burden. His mother once responded with, "Do I have to?" when Hyde informed her that he had just nearly cut off his pinky finger with a hacksaw and he needed to go to the hospital immediately. But to be, for intents and purposes, the orphan kid in the normal family's house made young Steven feel like an anchor in sunglasses. It also didn't hurt that Laurie only referred to him as "Burden Boy." That might have been playing a role in things.

Eric had been pretty cool about all of it. 'Man that kid has some self-esteem issues', Steven laughed to himself as he smoothed-out the grey wool blanket on his army cot. Eric had begun to feel like he was now third in line for his father's affections. 'Red sure did have it out for that kid', Hyde continued to chuckle. Not a day had gone by since being there that Hyde hadn't seen Eric bolt from Red, either out of the sliding door, or upstairs, or anywhere he could flee t that moment. It was usually after saying something sarcastic or cute to an already angry Red so Eric pretty much had it coming. But Hyde felt that Eric's mouth was smarter than usual since he had arrived and hoped that giving Eric back his room and moving into Casa de Hyde would return things to normal in the Foreman abode.

Hyde's train of thought was broken by the sound of the outside basement door being opened. 'Who the hell is this?' Hyde thought to himself.

"Hello? Anybody?" came a foreign-sounding voice. 'Great. Fez.' Hyde thought, annoyed.

"What's up Fez? Nobody's here but me."

"Then it is you I seek," Fez said with his usual cheeriness. "And I have come to show you this amazing thing I just found while I was walking in the park."

Fez held up his hands and cradled in them was a small revolver.

"Fez! That's a gun, man. Where the hell did you find that thing in the park?" Steven exclaimed.

"It was just sitting right there on a bench," Fez answered lightly.

"And you have no idea how it got there?!" Hyde queried.

"No, of course I do. It belonged to the nice man who was sitting there."

"Fez, what are you talking about?!" Hyde pressed.

"You see, I was taking my daily walk in the park, asking God why he does not send me a woman, when I saw it."

"The gun?!" Steven impatiently asked as he looked at the weapon still on Fez's hands.

"No! The woman," Fez answered with a shake of his head. "There was a beautiful woman stretching her long legs before her jog."

"Fez! Then where was this guy and how do you know this is his gun?! And while we're at it put that thing down!" Complying, Fez tossed the gun onto the nearby sofa.

"Jeez, Mr. Patience over here," Fez said with his hand to his mouth and pointing at Hyde with his other thumb. "Anyways, so as I am staring at this goddess, I see a man sitting on the bench across the path from her also partaking in the staring. He notices me and I decide to be friendly and give him the thumbs up and all of a sudden he stands up and leaves. I don't know what is happening in this country if one man cannot give another man a thumbs up for the good staring."

"Yeah man, it is national travesty. But if we could get back to the frickin' gun." Hyde urged.

"Yes, so I figure, 'More for Fez' and I turn to the lovely lady but she has already begun her jog and she is gone. None for Fez. So, I continue on my walk and my questions for God. But I see that the man has left something on the bench."

"The gun."

"Yes, the little gun."

"And so you picked it up and brought it to the Forman's?" Hyde said turning to look at the pistol laying quietly on folded blankets that took the place of the missing cushion on the sofa.

A moment passed with both of the boys looking down on the silent handgun. Suddenly Steven turned quickly towards Fez and threw his arms up.

"Wait a second man. Kenosha. The gun."

"Oh Hyde, I don't think we should bring the gun to Kenosha."

"No, you idiot, Kenosha, Milwaukee. The two women who were shot in the parks last week and the week before, man. Don't you get it?"

"I am not getting it but I think once I get it I will wish I hadn't gotten it," Fez cringed.

"You stumbled onto a murder about to happen and saved that woman," Hyde grabbed Fez by the shoulders.

"I did?" Fez scowled his face before smiling broadly. "Fez is a hero!"

"Then, you took the killer's gun and walked away with it."

"Is Fez no longer a hero?"

"Fez is a lot of things but right now Fez needs to answer Hyde one question: Do you think the killer saw you pick -up his gun?"

Suddenly, the basement door's knob let out a squeak as it turned slowly. Hyde and Fez looked one another and then they both looked at the circulating ceramic orb with bulging eyes.

"Ey! I think so," managed a terrified Fez.

"Fez man, if this killer doesn't kill us, I'm going to kill you." Hyde said with a stalled blankness.


	2. Chapter 2

With Hyde and Fez practically clutching onto one another, the basement door suddenly gave way and flew open to reveal — Kelso!

"That door has a serious sticking problem. Red should really get on that," Kelso exclaimed.

"Kelso, man, you nearly gave Fez a heart attack!" Hyde reproached.

"Yes, and you may we me a new pair of underwear, if my sad suspicions are correct," Fez added shamefully.

"What are you guys talking about?!" Kelso questioned, throwing his hands up. "I've got great news!"

"Which is?" Hyde prompted.

"Alright, you aren't going to believe this — but — the Hirsches got a dog! This entire neighborhood is becoming like dog paradise!"

"Paradise for the dogs, or paradise for you —because you are as smart as a dog," Fez needled.

"Come on Fez," Hyde said shaking his head. "Don't be cruel to animals."

Hyde and Fez laughed as Michael looked confused.

"Say what you want, but dogs are smart so the jokes on you. Plus, I'm not the one who is afraid to be alone in Forman's basement," Michael stressed the latter point as he sat on the couch and stretched his legs.

"We are not afraid to be in the Forman's basement, Kelso," Fez corrected. " _We_ are afraid of the killer that I saw and led _back_ to the Forman's basement."

"The _what_?!" Kelso scream as he jumped up from the couch and swiveled his head, searching every corner of the cavernous basement.

"Settle down!" Hyde said, placing his hands on Kelso's shoulders and returning him to the couch. "Now, I'll admit," Hyde continued, clutch the lapel of his leather vest in his hands like a Philadelphia lawyer. "That I was a little jumpy there for a minute but I'm not to let my mind run out of control."

"Of course not. That is what I'm here for," Fez added innocently.

"Fez, what exactly did you see?!" Michael questioned intensely.

"Well, as I told Stephen here. I was walking on the park and saw a man sitting on a bench staring at a young lady who was stretching her long supple legs on the bench across from him. I tried to talk to the man about how beautiful the young woman was and he acted all weirded-out and left."

"That's not so scary." Michael replied.

"Oh, and he left a gun on the bench when he left." Fez added.

"Yup. That's definitely what a killer would do," Michael nodded. "But wait, how do you know you led him back here?"

"We don't," Hyde said sternly. "Fez here thought he had when you started jiggling the door knob a minute ago."

"You thought so too!" Fez said defensively. Fez and Hyde started arguing back and forth about who was or was not scared and why they may or may not have been. In a rare turn, Michael Kelso had to be the mature one and mediate the situation.

"Guys, guys, come on. Let's try and remain level headed adults here and keep in mind that no matter what happened and who was scared — nobody was more scared than Forman would've been." All three start laughing at their absent friend. Hyde patted Kelso on the back in a nonverbal cue of gratitude.

Suddenly, like time had rewound itself, the basement door knob again began to twist back and forth. The room quickly falls silent until the silence is broken by Kelso's frightened whisper.

"It's not me this time, guys. I swear."


	3. Chapter 3

As the three boys stood there, frozen in fear and anticipation, there came a noise from the ground floor above.

"What was that Mrs. Forman? OK, I'm on my way," Hyde said quickly, in response to nothing, before taking-off up the basement steps. Fez and Kelso followed quickly behind.

Hyde practically slid into the kitchen before being practically tackled by the oncoming Fez and Kelso. Kitty and Eric both took in the scene wide-eyed and confused.

"Is the basement on fire?" Eric asked in his normally snarky tone.

"I thought I heard your mom call me to help carry in the groceries," Hyde said trying to play it cool. Kelso and Fez remained silent, stealing quick looks behind them at the basement door.

"Are you boys sure you're alright?" Kitty laughed in her usual concerned manner.

"Yup. -huh," Kelso answered without looking in Kitty's direction, whose manner took on even more concern than normal.

"Well alright, if you say so Michael," Kitty continued putting away the groceries. "It sounds like everything is just hunky-dory with Archie and the gang." Kitty laughed. Eric looked over his friends with a suspicious eye. And Hyde looked beyond the kitchen, through the sliding glass door, and out into the driveway.

"You cool buddy?" Eric queried.

"Yup. Like Kelso said, everything's fine."

"Huh?" Kelso was momentarily snapped back into the here-and-now.

"Using Kelso as a reference point?" Eric's eyebrow raised itself as an accusation. After a moment of quiet judgement, Eric looked back over his shoulder at his mom before gesturing for his friends to follow him up to his room. The group hustled quickly and quietly up the shag carpeted stairs and single-filed into Eric's lava lamp lit room. Kelso shut and locked the door behind him.

"Alright guys, what's the real story? Kelso, did you spill bong water on the TV again?" Eric asked with a smile.

"Don't blame this on me! I didn't piss-off a madman and then leave him a trail of breadcrumbs back to your house!" Kelso proclaimed.

"A _what?!_ To _where?!"_ Eric panicked.

"A psychopathic murderer — to your house. Jeez, Eric, you think you'd pay attention to news like that," Kelso said while shaking his head in disbelief.

"I heard you Kelso! I am just trying to wrap my head around the fact that I run to Piggly Wiggly with my mom and come home to the Texas Chainsaw Massacre!" With that Eric Forman walks to his gabled window and looks out into his backyard. "Who'd you say this guy looks like Kelso?" Eric asked, continuing to stare outside.

"Actually, I'm not sure…" Kelso began.

"He bolted upstairs before we could tell him," Hyde stood-up.

"Oh! That's because the killer was trying to break-in to the basement!" Kelso said defensively, if not hysterically. "And you guys ran too!"

"To break into _my_ basement?" Eric said both rhetorically and surprisingly calmly.

"Yep," said Hyde. "We think he's that guy up in Kenosha and Milwaukee that off'd those co-ed joggers in the parks. Fez here tried to make friends with him and royally pissed him off. Hence the basement incident."

"Well, I don't think he got in," Eric continued.

"How do you know?" asked Kelso.

"Because unless I am very much mistaken, he is looking right up into this window,and into my soul, at this very moment." Eric spoke the words slowly and with an air of pre-freakout.

"Oh no! He is a killer _and_ a soul-stealer!? This is like the time my grandfather made enemies with our villages priest-sorcerer!"

Hyde, Kelso, and Eric all turned to look at the frightened Fez.

"Where the hell _are_ from, man?!" Hyde delivered like a slap to the momentary silence in the room.

"We can all play National Geographic with Fez later," Eric commanded. "Guys, what are we gonna do?! My mom's downstairs and this guy could…"

Eric stopped talking and his eyes practically popped out of his head. Below the window Eric could see Kitty walking close to the foundation of the house, watering can in hand. His eyes darted back to where the man had been standing — and he was gone!

"Everybody downstairs! Now!" Eric shouted. "The murderer is making a move on my mom!"

Hyde and Kelso snickered. Eric shot them a look of raging mania.

"What? That was funny," Hyde apologized.

With that, all four boys piled out of Eric's room and practically jumped down the stairs in unison. As they hot the bottom landing, a loud, stern knocking rapped on the front door.


End file.
